No viboothi please..

Long live the short stories..

It was my 22rd birthday. I am usually lazy to visit temples. Up on my mom's insistence, we decided to put a salaam to Lord Shiva. It was half past 6 in the morning. After having the quick dharshan of Mr. Shiva and his wife, we sat in the temple. I was half-asleep. When I had my eyes closed, mom thought I was in deep meditation. For a moment, she found a great saint in her son. (After all, she knew that spiritual Guru is not a bad option for an aimless and jobless maverick!) Her short-lived happiness vanished soon and she whispered to my ears "Dei erumai-maadu, ezhunthiri da" (Wake up, you beautiful buffalo!)

I slowly opened my eyes.. Just blocking the view of Shiva was a beautiful young girl in lemon yellow saree. Wow, what a beauty! She was tall, lean and instantly attractive! Maybe a mix of Nandita das and Katrina Kaif, I thought! I felt like being in heaven. For a moment, I wondered whether Lord Shiva, like my mom, mistook my nap as meditation and gave a free pass to heaven. The confusion was resolved by mom's voice 'Let's go!'.

I told her, 'Ma, Dharshan is not yet over. Please wait for another 5 minutes.'  My mom didn't have a clue of the Dharshan I was talking about and replied 'As you say - it's your birthday' The lemon-yellow-saree's eyes were completely closed  and her lips murmured something. I was watching her closely like a doctor examining the patient. She was done with the Dharshan and was preparing to go around the temple.

I told my mom, 'Get up, mom! Let's go around the temple.'  Mom said 'You forgot or what? We have already completed one.'  I replied, 'Ma, that was for Shiva.. let's do one for his wife'  Mom got a little angry, 'You can't play with the rules of the Gods.. it has to be either 1 or 21 rounds. I don't have time for 21.' Like an unhappy kid who was refused a toy in a shop, I thought of playing tantrums. Realized I was a grown up and hence told my mom, 'Ok then, wait for a minute - Lemme finish the last part of the dharshan.'  The last dharshan was delightful.

After the dharshan, we went back home. I felt "what a way to start the year". In a single day, I would have thought about her more number of times than my family and friends put together. While I know was pure stupidity, I felt it was God's signal for something. (Human beings have the bad habit of referring to God for all favorable reasons). I wondered how can I meet her again - Maybe in the temple again? Why not?

5.30 AM, the next day. The alarm clock started blaring near my ears. My dad, who was used to hearing my alarm at 7.30 was perplexed. But as usual, he chose to ignore - He thought I would snooze it. But I got ready and was ready to leave the house at 6 AM.

Before leaving, I informed my mom, 'Ma, Shiva opened my eyes yesterday in the temple. Decided to go to temple everyday.' Mom gave a doubtful look but didn't inquire further.

I sat in front of Lord Shiva and nearly waited for 30 mins. 300 questions in those 30 mins - Will she come today? Will she come alone? Will it be lemon yellow again? Should I talk to her today? Should I propose to her today itself? Should I ask her name? Will someone in the temple realize my intentions? Will Mr. Shiva will get angry for misusing his temple?..... Before the 301st question, the beauty entered the scene. Sky blue was the lucky color that day. It was a simple chudidhar but I felt it was extremely pride to be chosen by the beautiful lady.

I completely focused on the job at eyes - noticed all the tiny little things she was doing. She went to the Nandi statue in front of Shiva and told her wishes secretly into its ears. I felt like telling her "why do you whisper all your wishes to the lifeless bull?? I'm standing here.. a real bull, who can fulfill all your wishes"

I followed her when she went around the temple. She halted and noticed me following. She gave a look and asked "what do you want?" I have never become so nervous in my life. I didn't know what to say. Just blabbered "some viboothi please" (viboothi is the ash Tamilians wear in the forehead as symbol of God-knows-what).  She cleared off the viboothi in her hand to the small stainless steel bowl kept for collecting the viboothi. She replied with her sweet voice "you can take it from there" I thought of asking her "Will you die if you let me take it from your hand? Or will I die if you apply it on my forehead?"

I applied the viboothi distinctively on my forehead. (Till date, I had eaten more viboothi than applying them on my forehead!) I was wondering whether I should apply it all over the body like the Axe deo spray.  Will this new spray help the girl fall for me? I also wondered - would viboothi ever come in different variants like Chocolate, Musk, Lemon, Spicy Black, Sports, Cool Blue etc. Before I was back from my dreams, she wasn't there.

I made it a habit to visit the temple everyday. For the entire next month, I was very regular. The schedule was very simple. I would go at 6 AM, dream about her for 20-30 mins, follow her when she went around the temple and most importantly ask for "viboothi please". She never got tired of it. She always pointed to the near by stainless steel bowl. It was a bit confusing - Had she not liked me, she would have shouted at me. At the same time, things haven't improved at all than point to the bowl. Stupid it may sound, but I had resolved to speak to her only when she gave the viboothi from her hand - a gesture of she accepting me.

It was Dec 10. The 31st day of my visit to the temple. My hunch told me something substantial will happen today. She didn't come till 7 AM. I went berserk and searched her all over the temple. Around 7.30, I returned back to our usual place in the temple. There she was - a bit late, but she was dazzlingly beautiful that day. I felt I should tell her my intentions today as things have gone too far.

My heart started beating faster. I was already sweating. May be tomorrow? No, I remembered what my dad used to say "Do it today as tomorrow never comes". (Though I never used it for studying)  I slowly approached her. Idiot, you should have at least brought a rose - my mind was getting upset. It immediately contradicted itself - Ignore me. I am a little bastard - go ahead and show your heart to her.. girls like a loving heart more than the roses.

I was very close to her. A cute little girl came running towards the lady. The little girl had a beautiful rose in her hair - I was in 2 minds to pick it from her hair and give it to the lady. At that instance the unthinkable happened. The little girl asked the lady "Who is this uncle, mommy?" For which the lady gave a fitting reply, "Who knows? Maybe a mental case.. poor fellow.. but very religious. Likes viboothi a lot like you.."

That day, before I asked "Viboothi please", the lady offered viboothi. I was very disappointed and said "No viboothi please" and never ever applied that ash on my forehead.

While coming back home, I liberally used all the bad words I know, at the makers of Olay, Santoor, Lakme, Garnier, Fair & Lovely and zillion other products which make it difficult for guys to differentiate between married and unmarried women.

E-nable or E-ngulf?

Let's think of a common Indian. He can get an entire medical check up done from the click of a mouse; Get an insurance with in 5 mins from online service providers; Can compare the policies to through sites like policy bazaar; Can discover the right rent / price for the house through innumerable tools like Makaan, MagicBricks, 99acres; Find the best loan rates through Bankbazaar; Get the best discounts on books from indiaplaza, flipkart and, best travel options from aggregators like ixigo; Can research about gadgets and gizmos from Naaptol, Compare India and ebay.in; Of course, leading the charts are online banking sites and job portals..

The list keeps growing everyday! Let's call these E-nablers - they simplify the otherwise mundane, tedious tasks. For e.g. to get an overseas travel insurance for my parents, all I had to do was spend 5 mins over internet, which otherwise would have swallowed one day.. If India's E-nablement can be so advanced, no doubt about developed economies.

Ok, let's change gears.. With these E-nablers, people should ideally have more free time than good ol' days.. right?  In reality, we spend less and less time in real world. No doubt, E-net is not just an E-nabler, rather an E-ducator, E-ntertainer and E-connector. But aren't these facebook, secondlife, mails, blogs, videos, online news etc etc taking more share of our life than they should ideally take?

[PS: And you now know why the weekly post got delayed so much ;)]

Small world tossing a coin for Mumbai

It's a small world and we are well connected. Seems like most parts of the world can be reached from the nearest city in less than 48 hours. Very interesting maps here - http://www.newscientist.com/gallery/small-world/. How would the maps look if we include data networks as well such as fibre optic cables, under sea cables, wireless towers etc?

Some tips for M.S. Dhoni here.. Head or Tail? As per the research, you should ask for what's facing up while tossing the coin, 

A coin is more likely to land facing the same side on which it started. If tails is facing up when the coin is perched on your thumb, it is more likely to land tails up.

And, here are 50 reasons why Mumbai is City No. 1!

After all, spams aren't bad always!

Here are some ideas to escape, when you are being asked for Status update by your boss..

• Psychological plays: Exploit the weaknesses of your boss. Few samples of HIS weaknesses..
  • Forgetfulness? Tell it's the same status as 5 mins before - Let him lose his hair trying to figure out the last status.
  • Laziness? Tell you need his feedback on the last update sent. He would never ask where's the status again.
  • Micro-management? Preempt him by giving status updates as frequently as possible. Micro managers are typically interested in the quantum of updates than quality.
  • Perfectionism? Convince him that quality work needs longer time to get updates.
• Technological plays
  • Use the technical ignorance of your boss - Say that the status has been updated in the never-heard-before module of frequently-heard utilities like SAP, BI, SalesForce, SharePoint etc. Your boss will frequently talk about them but never understands the head or tail of using them.
  • Rely on the unreliable. Spam is one. Windows. Hardware. Software. Mobile phones. There are lots to help you!
• Frivolous plays
  • Take Boss's diversion OUT: What's your boss interested in? Katrina Kaif? RajniKant? Big Boss? F1? EPL? Sensex? Real Estate?.. There should be few things that excites him more than the appreciation of your boss's boss.
  • Keep your diversion IN:  "Look" serious at work - It can be GTalk, Facebook, Y! Games or an online Sudoku. After all, status updates are an unproductive usage of one's time!

Crackling Fun-filled Diwali

Around 1 AM. It's the day following Diwali. We were back from the movie Blue. Like heavy fog in hill stations, the Mumbai streets were filled with thick layer of pollution. "Man, crackers and Fireworks dent our environment" was be our initial reaction. And it's natural for people to resolve to not burst crackers quoting reasons such as Pollution (Air, Noise) and Child Labour. I was just wondering whether bursting them is so bad..

As a kid, I used to love bursting crackers. My place is ~25 km from Sivakasi - with my relative running a fireworks factory, we get loads of crackers for free. The crackers are kept not in small bags or boxes, rather in large jute sacks. Then, for a week, it's complete fun with friends and cousins.. To give you a sample..

• Hold the cracker in hand and throw it up in air just before it bursts - You will get chided by the trespassers for doing so
• Burst high intensity crackers (such as atom bomb) inside the coconut shell - The kid whose shell couldn't be found out is the winner!
• Tie a thread between poles and have rocket / train crackers zooming between them
• When you are tired of bursting crackers one by one, take a  pile, light it up, run and hide behind your door. You will have real fun! :P

Obviously, all these seem risky today.  Nevertheless they are complete fun those days.  Even today, while I personally didn't burst crackers, I love watching them sitting on my window. Festivals like Diwali and the associated fun and celebrations like fireworks are the major element of happiness for people, esp. for the middle class which travels in metros and other public mass transit systems.

India's 80% of fireworks production seem to be from Sivakasi. People estimate fireworks industry to be ~Rs 1,500 Cr. (Source: ET, I'm pretty sure some consultant would have done the estimate. Neither can we accept nor deny! Turns out to have a per capita consumption of Rs. 12 in India. If we assume 20% of the population bursting crackers, it would be a reasonable Rs 60/- per head).  This industry is the bread and butter for some 40,000 people in and around Sivakasi. With increasing awareness on environmental issues, this is not going to be a growth industry (This year they have estimated a drop in 20-30% in sales due to awareness programs and poor monsoons). On top of it, it is one of the most difficult businesses to be in - safety and legal issues, constant threat from activists, need for continuous innovation and some levels of copying from Chinese industry.  Life is really tough for these people. While the economical impact from this industry may seem minimal on the country's economy, at the individual family levels, the problem could be intense.

So, to summarize, blindly saying "Don't burst Crackers" (Or increase taxes to reduce consumption) is like saying "Stop traveling in cars" or "Close down thermal power generators".  It's not to downplay the ill-effects on environment. It's just to say that our efforts should be to find out economically viable alternatives than to shun the crackers. How about Eco-friendly crackers, Smoke-less crackers, Noise-less crackers, Fire-less crackers.. but all of them completely Fun-filled! :)

Visualizations

Stumbled upon an interesting site providing interactive graphs.. Just to give you a flavor, few examples:

1. Cumulative Emissions by country in the last 250 years - US alone has contributed to 30% of emission, top 3 countries contributed to nearly half, and top 6 to nearly two-thirds. So today, when the top emission countries preach to developing nations to look after their emissions, it's like a serial rapist advising people to follow celibacy.
2. Shakespeare's Favorite words - Yeah, the word "Love" is the clear winner. Distant competitors are "Beauty", "Mine", "Sweet", "Eyes" etc
3. Alcohol Consumption Worldwide - Do you believe that world-wide per capita consumption is the highest in Uganda? People in Uganda drink 60 times an average Indian drinks. (Poor India ranks 157 out of the 182 countries considered - I'm pretty sure the consumption of our special rural preparations such as toddy, kallu etc are not taken into account. It grossly underestimates the capabilities of people in Rural India - I know of few villages where most men easily drink couple of liters of kallu everyday, whose alcohol content easily outweighs the drinks in developed nations). Most of the European countries rank top in the list.
   

In a second

Life can change in a second. It's the theme of the ads of Tata DoCoMo, which introduced per second billing in India. It is an  immediate success in India.

Hmm.. Life can change in a second. How true it is! Irrespective of how hard / long you think and plan, all it needs to make a life changing decision is a second. :P

Listen to Learn!

Last week had been quite a bit of travel. Talking to people of diverse nature is quite an experience. From a 3rd standard little boy to college friends to the practical cousins to the elderly aunts & uncles, people carry interesting thoughts about world. Of course, they vary quite a bit in their concerns and opinions. Nevertheless, a lot can be learnt by listening to people!

People are paid pico peanuts!

4 AM! Everyday! When you and I would be fast asleep! It is the time when the farmers / vendors from the near by villages reach Dadar Station in Mumbai and try to sell their basket of vegetables. Selling is not an easy job! Irrespective of the freezing cold or the scorching sun or ruthless rains, they just need to sell. Competition is very stiff with a very long queue of people sitting on the floor and selling  - Less to differentiate one from another - everyone competes on the price. And their business risk is no less! They take a huge inventory risk - If you don't sell by end of the day, it's GONE for one and all. For the kind of hard work and the risk, are they reaping enough returns? Single and simple answer is NO!

Look at artisans, people who are skilled at making handicrafts. Or the person who repairs your watches. Or a weaver. Or a factory worker - In chemicals factories. In biscuits companies. They make TANGIBLE things and are SKILLED at making them. You and I can't imagine being skilled like them. Nevertheless they get paid in fractions of what you and I would get paid for.

The last category is the most difficult of the three. People who do the toughest, most risky jobs and the jobs people feel uneasy to do. To give a flavor of what I have in mind: Sweepers / scavengers in a city like Mumbai with large slums like Dharavi and Govandi. Or workers who migrate from villages to cities for the construction of high-rise buildings, [each of which, unfortunately seems to suck the lives of at least few workers during the construction  - nobody cares about them and the death news is never made public]. Or those who work in dangerous environments like mines, fireworks / fuel / power plants. Their lives are more vulnerable than ours. Still they get paid in peanuts. In relative terms.

So, it's not the hard work, the risk taking abilities, the skills or the vulnerable jobs, which decides the level of salaries / returns. Then, what's deciding them?

Intelligence is probably a necessary condition. Today's information age has definitely placed undue weightage to intelligence than others (probably it's supply-demand equation!) Second is Environment (e.g. your family, school, college, friends etc) and the exposure, support and guidance it provides. Third is what they call Luck - the timing and the opportunity. Unfortunately, you don't have too much control over these three.

I am not downplaying the importance of hard work and attitude. Yes, they are necessary and important. Just that they don't play the primary roles, they should ideally be playing. At least, when it comes to Money!

It is very hard to accept it. The only way I put myself to peace is by telling - after all, money is not everything!

Sachin's 25+25.. Shouldn't it be 26 + 26?

Yesterday Sachin suggested a new format for One day cricket - i.e. to have two 25 over innings to ensure fairness and avoid un"due" advantage for toss-winners.  Few more ideas to make cricket a "Fair" game:

• West Indies team should be banned since there are no "fair" players. South Africa can play provided it has all fair players in its squad. India won't have a problem since players who are not fair can use one of the innumerable number of creams available in the market (Yes, fairness guaranteed in 7 hours flat!)
• Current format is unfair to bowlers - i.e. only batsmen have gloves, helmet, pads, in addition to something called "bat". To make it a "fair" game, (a) batsmen have to be made "handsmen" to hit the ball with hand OR  (b) the bowlers have to be given gloves, and an instrument (like a revolver) to shoot the ball.
• Existing format is favorable to big-hitters. When the ball is bowled at 140 Kmph, it's not difficult to hit fast / hard. What's difficult is to hit it slow / light  i.e. "contain" the ball at such high speeds. The ground should have concentric circle. If the ball is contained within the innermost circle, the player gets 10 runs! The farther it goes, lesser the runs!
• 2 Vs 11 players. Bowlers get moral support on the ground while batsmen don't. Unfair to the batsmen indeed! After every ball, batting side captain should be allowed to talk to the batsmen. Better would be to allow all the 11 players from the batting side to be on the field. Similar to how the bowling team is trying to stop the ball from reaching boundary, the batting team will try to send the ball to boundary - it would be a truly team game.
• The current format is unfair to umpires in multiple ways. (a) The elderly umpires with tainted eyesight have to see where the ball lands / travels in such a large ground and that too, 360 degree from the center of the ground! Either  the ball size is to be increased and colour changed to some fluorescent green or flashy orange OR they should be given electronic high resolution binoculars fitted with sensors which can track the balls automatically (b) There is "man of the match", but there is no "umpire of the match" or "man of umpiring" - so, should give an award to the umpire who gives the most number of OUTs and/or boundaries.
• It's called "ODI" - "One Day International" - irrespective of whether it's a day match, night match or day/night match. It's completely unfair for the nights. So, usage of the term ODI should be banned.
• Cricket seems to unfairly rhyme with wicket. Apart from wicket, there are important aspects in the game like score, ball, bat etc.. So, to make it fair, we should have names like Cricore, Criball, Cribat, Critumps etc
• Bowler should be allowed to stand and throw the ball, while batsman has to run and swing the bat in a specific manner to hit the ball - Any player with suspected action in swinging the bat has to go through grueling session by ICC to get cleared for playing in any international matches.
• Instead of ball being thrown, the bat has to be thrown to hit the static ball.
• Last but not the least, why should it be stopped at 25 in Sachin's suggestion? Isn't it unfair to the letter "Z"? We should have 26 big overs (overs can be called "over C", "Over R" etc) and 26 small overs ("over m", "over t" etc)

The list can go on and on... The game can be made fairer by having less of the existing cricket elements and more of elements copied from other games such as foot ball, tennis etc.  Nevertheless, cricket is such a complex game that it can never be made fair to everyone. Btw, who said life and cricket are always fair? That's where the fun lies!